MYSTIC MESSENGER: Love across the 4th Wall (7)

(WARNING: SPOILERS FOR JAEHEE’S ROUTE/AFTER END AHEAD)

I hadn’t been prepared for this. No, what was she doing, why did she reset?
Was this actually happening? Had she reset for Jaehee? Well, maybe she just wanted to do her route once and then she would return to either Zen’s, Yoosung’s or Jumin’s route, or she wasn’t aiming for a romantic ending – or simply didn’t like any of us – and decided to stay with Jaehee?
Either way, I was one hundred percent sure she would never even think of coming my route. That wouldn’t be worth it.
I had realized something important: Just accepting my fate of being in love with her wouldn’t help. I had to change my fate. Change my feelings for her – even if I had to rip my heart out of my chest with bare hands I would do it.
It was actually not me but Vanderwood who realized that. Well, kind of, because he didn’t exactly know about my feelings. But he had been nagging constantly that I wasn’t working hard enough or not focusing properly.
And one day – I had been crying the whole morning and had not touched my work the whole day – he took out his taser gun, pointed it at my face and growled: “If you do not intend to feel enormous pain within the next few seconds I recommend you erase whatever distracts you so much from your brain and start focusing on what is really important: Your work.”
And that was when I realized he was right. I should’ve erased her from my mind a long time ago already.
As I suspected she played Casual Mode. It was not hard to guess that she aimed for Jaehee but something strange happened at the same time: She was not only nice to Jaehee, but to me as well. It felt as if I was finally back. Back in what I used to call four days of delusional happiness.
Some routes ago I had been pretending she was aiming for me even though she played Casual Mode. Whenever Jaehee was not around, or even if she was around, she was flirting with me again. Laughing at my jokes, supporting me.
Why was she doing that? What was her goal? And why was she doing it now? Now that I finally accepted that she would never be mine she started flirting with me again.
But no. I didn’t pretend she meant a single word of what she said. Not again. Whatever her reason was, it was certainly not her affection for me.
Every day before going to sleep I repeated it in my head: She is not mine, nor will she ever be. She will never say these love-filled words to me and she will never see me in any other way than as a weird guy who’s useful for the RFA.
It was my mantra and after a while I felt the pain finally going away. But it didn’t really leave but turn into a great numbness, a hole in my heart, that could never be filled.
Jaehee’s route was the one I personally enjoyed the most, at least at the beginning. It was finally a non-romantic route. No jealousy, no drama, just Jaehee taking care of an injured Zen with her to support the two of them.
It was interesting how differently she acted towards Jumin. Just a few days ago she had been his loving wife and now she was completely rejecting him and protecting Jaehee.
But at least Jumin did not remember her ever being his wife. Keeping my memories was my fate, and no one else shared it. I had been trying to find out if there was someone else in the RFA who remembered. I had been calling all of them, asking questions that weren’t too obvious, watching their reactions.
After these four calls I had been completely ensured that no one of them remembered. They would’ve acted differently if they did. I was sure of that.
This route was like a vacation to me. It was neither too dramatic nor did I have to be jealous of anyone. Of course, there was drama, Jaehee and Jumin clashed over and over again, and Zen interfered too, but at least they were all physically safe.
It was very hard letting my feelings go, since she once again proved what a good person she was, helping Jaehee and standing up for her as she did.
I only asked myself what my role was supposed to be. Shouldn’t I be doing something too?
Eventually I got myself together and offered to help Jaehee with a presentation for Jumin’s latest cat-project. I sincerely wanted to help so that she could focus on the other project she was entrusted with, which she was interested in a lot more. But apparently no one thought I could do a good job?
Had I really given them the impression that, just because I liked to joke around I wasn’t able to do serious work? I felt kind of hurt, since even she didn’t believe it was a good idea. Jaehee tried to refuse too first, hinting that she didn’t think I was able to do that, but eventually she gave in. Not because she had changed her mind about me but because she really didn’t want to do it herself.
I would so prove them wrong! I would show them that I could be serious, haha, if they would know a little more about my work and what I usually did they wouldn’t have such doubts!
I tried really hard. I put a lot effort into the presentation and was pretty satisfied with myself. Vanderwood was less pleased with me voluntarily doing other people’s work but I didn’t mind his nagging. I wanted to prove my friends that I was more than a guy who was always trying to be funny, that I was a capable worker.
Jaehee was indeed satisfied, even thankful. She had been enjoying her work on that coffee project and I thought I had managed to accomplish my goal of this route too.
Well, apparently I hadn’t. Jumin was very angry. Well, of course we all thought he would be angry but never in my life would I have thought he’d go this far to take revenge.
Jumin stole my favourite car. And crashed it into tiny bits. There was it, the heartbreak I thought I didn’t have to go through in this route.
My baby car was dead and so was my enthusiasm, my will to help anyone ever again. What good was it for anyway? I wouldn’t get any recognition, only pain, punishment and Vanderwood’s nagging that it was my own fault. And a broken heart.
Yes, why should I help any of them ever again? I helped Jumin in his route, he proposed to the woman I loved. I helped Jaehee, my baby car was crashed.
Nothing good ever came from me trying to help. I was as useless as an empty can of PhD Pepper. Even if I tried to do something right I only ended up hurting myself, or I failed and hurt my friends.
I was pretty depressed the remaining time, did rarely enter the chats. Everything about this seemed familiar, well, I had been in a familiar situation already, but back then I had been heartbroken. Now I was just feeling empty and useless.
Even when she tried to cheer me up I ended up rejecting her words. When she called me right before the party I didn’t pick up. I couldn’t talk to her now. Or else I was afraid my feelings might return.
When the party finally came I only showed up for a few minutes, not even changing to my party suit. V wasn’t there either and I had no reason to greet anyone.
I only managed to realize that Jaehee offered her to open a café together, that was when I left again.
I wondered how much time would pass this time before she resetted. If she even resetted.
Half a year had gone by and it was the women’s café’s grand opening day. We were all gathered there with the two of them smiling and laughing. I did not talk, I preferred to stay in the background and watched her. She was even more beautiful in person than she could ever be on CCTV.
But yes, Jaehee too, was just a route for her and so she decided to  r e s e t  again. Would it finally be the last time?